Let me try to give some context of the major changes in my life as of late. I have spent a significant portion of 1/4th-14th helping my brother pack up his things and move away from Salt Lake City. We are very close, he is my only family here, and his influence will be missed by not only me but the entire area. I also had an old friend from university visit me, along with her friend. We never hung out particularly frequently in college, but I always felt a powerful intuitive draw to her. In unlikely turns of events, we recently re-established contact and she ended up stopping by my residence in Salt Lake City for a few days. Immediately following that, I recently visited my home and saw some of my family and, more notably, the friend responsible for more positive improvement in my life than any other non-me person. He was playing a lot of Grateful Dead and Ratdog on his speakers, and I’ve been particularly enamored with this song, “Ashes to Glass”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sNf5RPil4Y . He gifted me some powerful psilocybin mushrooms and I had one hell of an experience. Another notable visit back home was seeing my old roommate. We were very close when we lived together and he is an outstanding musician. We managed to sneak in a 30-45 minute live music session and it was truly exhilarating. It had been nearly a year since I’ve laid my hands on some drums, and I gained some more experience on piano. I was pleasantly surprised to see that my singing voice had not only stayed but improved during my inactivity. During all this time, I have continued my standard 8-4:30 work life while being particularly over-whelmed with all the commotion going on in my life. I am used to long periods of self-imposed isolation, and then short highly social bursts where I give out all the energy I’ve built up during my “hibernation”. Finally, as I came home from my humble beginnings (so much has changed. I am truly feeling my age at a ripe 23 and a half), I bring my cat back to Utah with me. It’s been amazing to have a companion by my side and it humbles me how incredibly sweet and friendly she is, while at the same time educates me as I am learning and relearning important lessons from observing and interacting with her. All this has culminated in me, peaking into an emotional collapse to the floor in tears yesterday, I wasn’t really sad, but I was also not happy; these were tears of deep emotion and catharsis. Here’s some of what I’m torn around
1. A friend of mine, a really stand up, genuinely caring person, recently lost his wife in a car crash. He came out fine; she passed away after a few days of accrued hospital bills that he will now struggle to pay. Why is she dead, yet I persist? I don’t drive, largely for reasons of safety (both personal and environmental safety), but there’s about 5-10 times every month where I’m nearly hit walking through SLC, even with sharp awareness and distrust of the cars “sharing the road”. I don’t feel that I’m ready to die at all, and I don’t want to die yet. When my time is comes, I am confident I will accept death and serve my final moments embracing my final slumber, but until then, what do I have? Nothing. I have no thing. *No, thing*. My life is not nothingness, but it contains no things. I have only my present moment, and I can never have anything else. I do not know how I ought to live my life under this fact, and it’s difficult for me to roam around without a tangible grasp of meaning, purpose, or an intuitive gut feeling or what I need to be doing. I currently have no direction, at all, but I have been inspired to eat healthier, workout more frequently, and stretch more as well. It feels impossible to do all the things I want to do with the time I’ve been allotted. I feel that I must sacrifice some things in my life. Do I give up competitive gaming? Do I drop my hopes and desires of being an artist? Must I throw out my harmonica and stop singing my days away? I don’t feel satisfied with mediocrity in these aspects. If I play music, I want to be my best; if I draw, I expect very intricate and detailed work; if I am writing, I must be writing daily; etc. I don’t seem able to strike balance in my life, I can only choose to polarize to different extremes. I see this in my work life as well, it seems to permeate everything I do. It’s not that I can’t keep things simple; it’s that I feel compelled to fully immerse myself in what is at hand. I don’t know how to moderate, but in other ways, I seem to have limitless will power. It wasn’t a struggle to go vegan in any way, shape or form. I merely made the decision and did it—after all, who can I make an excuse for failure to? Surely not the animals that would die and suffer in an unfathomable hell-on-earth. What about stealing that package that just arrived from my neighbor? Well, I could do that, but then I must face them later knowing of my transgressions. I do not experience this unbreakable loyalty to myself. In fact, I feel it is wrong for me to put my needs before the needs of others when they are in conflict in many cases, as I fully believe and trust in my ability to do without, and I know that others must be accommodated first. Why would I have the unique gifts I have if not to better those that are living without, due to fear, forgetting how to live in the present, or never learning it to begin with? Is it not my duty to better these people? Or am I really just making excuses, appealing to my desire to be a good person to satisfy my ego, to create the “life story” of an incredible nice person who just gave until he couldn’t help himself? All I know for sure is that I really don’t know anything at all.
Intermission: did you play the first song I linked to accompany the reading? I imagine it’s about finished if you did. Have another musical insight into how I’ve been feeling..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kHDFMNmo2Q
2. Loneliness. It seems an impossible tight-rope walk, a realm of human experience that is denied to me, because for whatever reason, this is the way it must be-I must live serve my life relatively alone, void of consistent love interests or romantic partners. My pleasure to be around such lovely couples and the gift to help them understand each other and get along to their best ability; my curse to witness and occasionally feel a glimpse of the sheer power that this sort of bond catalyzes, never to fully experience it myself. Part of the problem - is there a problem? Just because this is how relationships have been for me does not entail this is what they will be tomorrow, or even today. Maybe my life will persist, perpetually alone, and it will be exactly as it had to have been. Again I find myself wrapped up in my own thoughts, paralyzed by myself, and unable to act to create meaningful change on a regular basis. I have intense requirements to allow somebody such intimate access to my emotions and my time, ever-vigilant to ensure those that create stress are seen minimally and at maximum emotional distance. And when I do find people who I have a profound respect and admiration for, I feel strangely inadequate, tangled up in my thoughts of my true potential and power overshadowing the person I have managed to become thus far. From what I’ve been told by others (without prodding, of course..) is that I seem to be a generally highly respected person; a truly unique and developed individual. This does not reassure me much, as I doubt they would think the same if they lived through my perspective and could see the potential person I could be. I can never know if this is again arrogance of me being convinced that I am a god among men despite my ability to see that in practice and reality I am not; or a truly factual statement that I really could be “what we need” as a people and as a cooperate biosphere on our planet. As I do highly believe in the power and ability to awaken potential in all of the people around me, no matter how seemingly “past redemption” they are, it isn’t so far out and wrong of me to think I have the same power. Ultimately, on the rare occasions when I meet people who truly inspire me and leave me in absolute awe, I am too disappointed in myself to make any significant claim that I deserve their affection. I feel that I must solve my own puzzle, that I am not yet ready to present myself as a viable mate, because I am not ready to consider myself satisfactory to even my own standards. I understand that there is no difference in the “unpolished” me of now and the “satisfactory and realized” me of the hypothetical future…if I am ever to be that person, flourishing fully to their potential, it would necessarily have to be already happening. If it isn’t occurring right now, then how can it exist?
Time for another song? Pretty much sums up how I feel about #2. https://myspace.com/theavettbrothers/music/song/bring-your-love-to-me-94264403-104925210 … who would have thought I’d have a reason to link to a myspace page, lol
I have more to say but I’ve been coming to and from this tab for a few hours writing things out. I don’t want to spend any more time here and I suppose I will leave it at that. Cheers