I don’t know how I can even attempt to explain what happened to me, but I will do my best. But first I’ll go into some detail of my past.
I have been, for the past 5-7 years, something that I can best describe as “irrationally happy”. I am virtually never angry; I am understanding, patient, and nurturing in my human interaction, even with strangers; I eat a strictly compassionate diet; and so on. However, while this side of me has been growing and producing exponentially more satisfaction to be alive, another part of me has grown with it. My anxiety (fear) has always been a stowaway in my mind. Although I am never angry, I am constantly fearful. I also have a bit of shame and guilt, thinking about my past mistakes and how I am never living up to my potential, despite doing far more for my growth than I perceive others doing for themselves. This has led me to a few suicidal spirals in the past year, as this stress has compounded, and has led me to seriously question my sanity. Ultimately, my moods hit extremes (in a non-bipolar manner)—I will be overwhelmed by beauty and find myself sobbing in pleasure; or I will be surrounded by darkness and find myself wanting to end all of my suffering through death, as it seems to be the only permanent release.
Yesterday, however, something occurred that was very psychedelic in nature. Substance wise, I had been smoking marijuana, but the experience was on par with some of my most intense psychedelic episodes. I was reading “The Power of Now”, by Eckhart Tolle (pick up this book!!), and I had been reading about how anxiety is actually fear of the future. I read about all the ways that my ego’s manifestation as a “self” creates time gaps that can be reconciled only through suffering and denial of the present moment. Then, an inexplicable realization hit me, as this text was talking about ending the concept of time within yourself: if there was EVER going to be a time where I’m satisfied with my fitness, my life, my diet, my skills, my hobbies, and my emotional state, how come it be any time other than right now? I’m constantly thinking about how *later* my life will be so much better and eventually I will find this salvation in the future to save me from the suffering in my now. How ridiculous!! The only moment I’ve ever had in my life has been right now. And although I can’t instantly change all the things that I perceive as bad in my life, I can change my attitude about them. And my attitude has always been the problem, not my life itself. In fact, why even have an attitude? I don’t need to access my brain to observe my breathing, my surroundings, and to be immersed in the present. I only need my mind to solve actual problems that inhibit where I’m going at this moment. Since the only time I can ever stop suffering is *NOW*, the answer cannot possibly be found in future. I must bring my fears and my guilt into the present and deal with it now. What’s missing from this present moment? If I’m not present now, when will I be?
At this point I am hallucinating. The text I am trying to read is dancing vividly and bouncing and bending all sorts of directions. When I close my eyes, I see intense visuals of never-ending bonds between energy, creating a perfectly symmetrical pattern that can be zoomed into infinitely to find deeper complexity. I have seen this before and it’s only what I can explain as “the universe”, because it holds within it every possible happening while maintaining the size and form of…well, every *thing*. I notice that I am overwhelmed with happiness. My back doesn’t hurt anymore. And I start laughing to myself—how simple this was. How INCREDIBLY EASY the solution to all my problems have been. I have a very powerful mind, and I have spent my life thinking that I will achieve greatness and be a savior of the planet by curing the cancer that is the human mind. I have been trying to think my way out of thinking.